The Most Dangerous Place in the Rink? The Stands.

The Mindful Hockey Parent: How Your Behavior Impacts Your Child’s Confidence 

Every hockey parent envisions that exhilarating moment: their child, stick raised in triumph, a beaming smile as they celebrate a game-winning goal. Believe me, as a coach and former player, your kid dreams of it too. But what happens between the dream and the goal? That space is messy—filled with missed passes, bad line changes, and tough losses. And whether you realize it or not, your reactions in those moments are shaping your child’s confidence—for better or worse. Because between the whistles and behind the glass, something else is happening. Your words, your body language, the look on your face after a mistake. These things don’t fade when the game ends. They echo. They follow your kid into the locker room, into the car ride home, and back onto the ice next game. One shift at a time, they’re either learning to trust themselves—or learning to fear your disappointment.

You might be thinking, “That’s not me. I’d never do that to my kid.” But here’s the truth: you would—and at some point, you already have. You might not even realize it. A head shake after a turnover. Yelling “shoot!” every time they touch the puck. Questioning their effort on the ride home. It all adds up. Kids don’t just hear your words—they feel your expectations.

I’ve read the books, studied the research, lived this game for 30 years as a coach, parent, and player… and I still have my moments. Just like your kid can always improve their shot or their skating, there’s always room for us—as parents—to show up better. Because when mistakes become moments of shame instead of growth, they stop playing free. They stop taking chances. And that’s when development stalls.

So, keep reading. Because your role in their growth is bigger than you think.

The Power of Positive Reinforcement

Studies consistently show that positive reinforcement fosters intrinsic motivation and resilience, while criticism or negative reactions can quickly erode confidence, even in the most skilled players. A child's self-belief often mirrors the attitudes and behaviors modeled by their parents.

Positive reinforcement is more than just praising achievements; it's about acknowledging effort, perseverance, and improvement. When parents focus on these aspects, they help their children develop a growth mindset—the belief that abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work. This mindset encourages young athletes to embrace challenges, learn from mistakes, and persist in the face of setbacks.

For instance, instead of saying, "Good job on scoring that goal," you might say, "I noticed how hard you've been practicing your shots, and it really showed in the game today." This type of specific praise highlights the connection between effort and outcome, reinforcing the value of hard work. As noted by child psychologist Becky Kennedy, generic praise like "good job" can be a conversation ender. She emphasizes the importance of "process praise," which provides feedback on children's efforts and strategies, thereby building their confidence and self-esteem. New York Post.

Award winning psychologist, Carol Dweck, has long advocated for this process. In her book, “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success”, Dweck notes that praising intelligence can undermine children's motivation and lead to a fixed mindset; while praising effort and the process of learning fosters a growth mindset and encourages perseverance. In the context of hockey, if parents primarily praise their child’s innate talent or natural skill—such as speed, strength, or scoring ability—it can inadvertently lead the child to adopt a fixed mindset. They might start to believe their abilities are fixed traits, making them reluctant to push themselves or embrace challenges due to the fear of failure or appearing less skilled.

On the other hand, when parents acknowledge and praise effort, determination, practice habits, and the willingness to learn from mistakes, they encourage their child to develop a growth mindset. This approach motivates young hockey players to persevere through difficult practices, recover from setbacks, and continuously strive to improve their skills. In short, celebrating effort and the learning process empowers players to embrace challenges confidently, fostering resilience both on and off the ice.

Embracing Mistakes as Learning Opportunities

Mistakes are an inevitable part of any sport, and how parents respond to them can significantly impact a child's confidence. Viewing mistakes as learning opportunities rather than failures teaches children to analyze what went wrong, make adjustments, and improve. This approach not only enhances their skills but also builds resilience and reduces fear of failure.

For example, if your child misses a crucial shot, instead of expressing disappointment, you might say, "It's okay; everyone misses sometimes. What do you think you could do differently next time?" This encourages reflection and problem-solving, essential skills both on and off the ice.

As a coach, I take it a step further. When a player misses a key shot, misses a passing opportunity, or makes any mistake, I don’t jump in with criticism. Instead, I ask them to take a deep breath and rewind the play in their mind—exactly how they saw it unfold. Then I’ll ask: what would you need to do differently to make that play work? Once they identify it (quicker release, better angle, follow through higher, etc.), I have them replay the video again, this time with the correction made. The whole process takes less than 30 seconds. I do it on the bench during games, and between reps at practice. It quiets the emotion, sharpens the focus, and gives the player a path forward. And it’s especially powerful with goalies—particularly those who tend to spiral after a goal or two against. Like anything, it takes repetition. But stick with it. It shifts their mindset—and it works.

Modeling Emotional Regulation

Children often emulate the emotional responses of their parents. Demonstrating composure and positivity during games, regardless of the outcome, sets a powerful example. Cheering for good plays, offering encouragement after mistakes, and refraining from negative comments about players, coaches, or referees contribute to a supportive environment that bolsters a child's confidence.

Conversely, displaying frustration, anger, or overly critical behavior can instill a fear of mistakes in children, making them hesitant to take risks or push their boundaries during games. By maintaining a calm and supportive demeanor, parents help their children develop the emotional resilience necessary for both sports and life challenges.

Practical Strategies for Mindful Hockey Parenting

1. Focus on Effort and Improvement: Praise specific aspects of your child's performance, such as their determination, teamwork, or progress in a particular skill. This reinforces the value of effort over innate talent.

   
   

2. Encourage Autonomy: Allow your child to take ownership of their hockey experience. Let them set personal goals, make decisions about their participation, and reflect on their performances. This fosters a sense of control and intrinsic motivation.

   
   

3. Maintain Open Communication: Create an environment where your child feels comfortable discussing their experiences, challenges, and feelings about hockey. Listen actively and provide support without judgment.

   
   

4. Celebrate All Contributions: Recognize and celebrate various roles and contributions within the team, not just scoring goals. Highlighting the importance of defense, assists, and sportsmanship teaches children to value all aspects of the game.

   
   

5. Provide Constructive Feedback: When offering feedback, be specific and focus on behaviors that can be changed or improved. Frame suggestions positively and ensure they are actionable.

A Final Note

Effective hockey parenting isn't about perfection; it's about awareness and intentionality. By consciously choosing your reactions and modeling emotional control, you empower your child to skate with confidence, resilience, and joy. This approach ensures that hockey remains a lifelong passion rather than a pressured pursuit, fostering not only better athletes but also well-rounded individuals.

I'm sure you've brushed past this poster in the rink without giving it a second thought. But it's there for a reason.